A NEW MUSICAL

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RAINBOW

(Based Upon The Gospels According To Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.)

BOOK, MUSIC AND LYRICS
BY
COSMO S. CARROZZA

    "There is plenty of humor in the lyrics and even some irony, but the script is never irreverent. The music ranges from rag-time, waltz and marches to the classic hoe-down, and boasts some really fine images in the lyrics. It's a unique show and have-a-ball fun show which quite simply should be seen."

                                                                       - Suzanne Diaz, The Stratford Bard

    "...a rip roaring, foot stomping, hand claping musical of the American Wild West."

                                     - Elizabeth Mezias, University of Bridgeport Reporter, The Scribe

    "Carrozza was most successful with his engaging melodies that were lilting and always appropriate to the western setting, they were nonetheless memorable. I risk a cliche in saying that, I was humming the songs upon leaving the theater."

                                                                      -Tom Holehan, The Stratford Bard Reviewer

    "...rollicking."

                                                                       - The Stratford Star

All rights including the rights of reproduction in whole or in part, in any form, are reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright © Conventions. Published in Stratford, Connecticut by Cosmo Carrozza, 246 Henry Avenue, Stratford, Connecticut 06497

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that BOBBY, formerly titled THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RAINBOW, being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Empire, including the Dominion of Canada, and all other countries of the Berne and Universal Copyright © Conventions, is subject to royalty. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio and television broadcasting, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is laid on the question of readings, permission for which must be secured in writing from the author, Cosmo Carrozza, 246 Henry Avenue, Stratford, Connecticut 06497 without whose permission in writing no amateur performance of it may be made.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: PAu 1 575-187

MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT ONE

        Overture
        Somethin’ Must Be Done
        God Loves To Hear A New Song
        Reform Your Lives
        Pour It On
        The Tempter
        How Wonderful This World Would Be
        It’s A Miracle
        The Weddin’
        If I Listen To You
        As We Go Marching On
        Love, Peace & Brotherhood
        The Lord’s Prayer
        Thar’s A Cabin High Up In The Sky
        Heal Us
        We Were Healed
        Oh How We Love You
        The Seed
        Poor Bobby Joe

ACT TWO

        Entr’Acte
        From The First Time That I Saw You
        Freedom
        Look To The Man
        I Hear Indians
        March On Down Main Street
        Where Will You Go?
        The Agony At Indian Creek
        Are You The King Of All The West?
        Alone With Just A Dream
        Money
        Friends
        Oh How We Love You (Reprise)

LIST OF MAIN CHARACTERS

        BOBBY JOE

        JAMIE

        BILLY JACK

        PETER

        PREACHER FARKEL

        SHERIFF WILD BILL HOOLIGAN

        IDA MAE HOOLIGAN

        LI’L AZEL HOOLIGAN

        DEPUTY HANK LARSEN

        MARTHA

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

        Time: Now
        Place: Here
        Apparition Heaven
ACT ONE

        SCENE 1

        Heaven

        SCENE 2

        Interior Of The Temple Treasury Bank In River Belle Junction

        SCENE 3

        Sheriff Wild Bill Hooligan’s Office

        SCENE 4
        Meetinghouse In River Belle Junction

        SCENE 5
        The Desert Outside Of Town

        SCENE 6
        The Red Garter Saloon And Dance Hall

        SCENE 7
        Sister Love’s Mission

        SCENE 8

        The City Slicker Dude Ranch

        SCENE 9

        The front Porch Of The Farm House That Jamie Lives In

        SCENE 10

        Sheriff Wild Bill Hooligan’s Office And Town Jail


ACT TWO

        SCENE 1
        Desert Road To Dry Gulch

        SCENE 2
        A Camp Site Out In The Wilderness

        SCENE 3
        The Silver Horseshoe Saloon In Dry Gulch

        SCENE 4
        Indian Creek

        SCENE 5
        Judge Willy Whiskers Front Porch

        SCENE 6
        Inside The Lost Fortune Cave

        SCENE 7
        A Wooded Area Outside Of Dry Gulch
I-1-1

OVERTURE

Scene

Heaven

Time

Now

ACT 1

Scene 1

SETTING:
        We are seeing an apparition of heaven. There are sparkling stars of various colors hanging. Right above center stage there is a rainbow surrounded with clouds. In the background there is a log cabin and a large castle sitting on the clouds. There is also in the back- ground an open book written on left page THE BOOK OF LIFE - Section 4 and on right page JAMIE, PREACHER FARKEL, LI'L AZEL, SISTER LOVE, IDA MAE, PETER and MARTHA. The names of WILD BILL HOOLIGAN and HANK LARSEN appear crossed out.

AT RISE:

        We see PREACHER FARKEL, dressed like a western preacher, sitting on a cloud. HE is whistling. When HE notices the audience HE gets up.
PREACHER FARKEL
(Speaks to audience)
Hello! Hello! Hello! Yawl see an' hear me out thar on planet earth OK?

AUDIENCE
Yes!
I-1-2

PREACHER FARKEL
Ah ain't hear yawl. (Until audience responds)

AUDIENCE
(Louder)
Yes!

PREACHER FARKEL
Ah still ain't hear yawl.

AUDIENCE
(Louder)
Yes!
PREACHER FARKEL
(When audience shouts as loud as possible.)
Now Ah can hear yawl! Oh, ain't cha get scared now, ya ain't a-seein' things an' ya ain't a-hearin' things and ya ain't a-goin' plum loco. Ah'm appearin' ta yawl from up here, ya knowed, at that great big party way up younder in the sky, at the other side of the rainbow. Thar will be a-weepin' an' a-wailin' an' a-gnashin' of teeth fur the wicked who pass on to the next world. An' fur them who ain't got no teeth, teeth will be provided. Mah name is John but folks call me preacher Farkel. What's yer's? Oh, never mind, we all ain't a-goin' inta that right now. Ah was sent here by God ta tell yawl about the most amazin' critter ya ever want to meet, Ah swear on mah mama's petunia patch. His name is Bobby Joe. Yawl will see, when us souls up here in heaven a-act it all out fer ya. It all started in Texas a-durin' the 1870's. The story begins inside the Temple Treasury Bank in River Belle Junction.

"(BLACKOUT)"

"(END OF SCENE)"

I-2-3

Scene 2

SETTING:

        There is a counter with three barred teller windows. Behind the counter there is a large safe and desk. The main door is at the back of the set.

AT RISE:

        The teller is at the window and the president is behind his desk. The bankers are in line at the teller's window. MARTHA is the first one in line.

TELLER
An' what can Ah do fur ya taday Martha?

MARTHA
Oh Mr. Kinsley, Ah'm sorry ta bother ya again, but Ah need a new check book.
TELLER
But Martha, Ah jes gave ya one yesterday!

MARTHA
Oh Ah lost that one, but it ain't matter none. Ah was smart an' signed all them checks as soon as Ah got them, so, of course it won't be any use ta folks.

TELLER
(Putting his hands to his head)
Oh no! You didn't!

MARTHA
Ah shore did! Ah ain't no fool! An' ya knowed Ah sign mah paper money too, so this way Ah have a better chance of a-findin' it if the bank is robbed.

(SHERIFF WILD BILL HOOLIGAN and DEPUTY HANK LARSEN enter masked and pointing a gun at everyone. THEY both disguise their voices in a deep tone. WOMEN scream.)

BILL HOOLIGAN
(Shouts)
OK yawl! This is a hold up! Yawl reach fur the sky! On the double! Hear?

I-2-4

HANK
(Shouts)
Don't anyone move unless ya want yer dang head blowed off!

BILL HOOLIGAN
(HE goes over to BANK PRESIDENT and shouts)
Now Mr. bank president. Get over ta that safe an' open it up. Fast! An' Ah mean fast when Ah say fast!

PRESIDENT
(Hesitates)
Ah don't think Ah can remember the safe combination.

BILL HOOLIGAN
Now don't give me that. Do ya think Ah was born yesterday? Or maybe ya think Ah have scrambled eggs fur brains. Eh? Maybe ya can remember better after Mah partner roughens ya up a bit.

PRESIDENT
Oh wait a minute, Ah jes remembered the combination. Funny how that slipped mah mind fur a minute.

BILL HOOLIGAN
Now ain't cha give me no hard time.Mr. Bank President or ya ain't a-goin' ta live ta tell about this ta yer grandchildren. Hear?

PRESIDENT
Yes sir!
(HE opens up the safe)
Do ya pick pockets too?

BILL HOOLIGAN
Oh smart guy eh! No! Ah take 'em as they come. If that's any concern of yers. Well...come on! Ah ain't got all day! What cha a-standin' thar like an ol' stump fur? Start a-takin' out them ol' money bags before Ah lose mah patience. An' while yer at it, give me yer watch too!

PRESIDENT
But mah watch ain't a good one. Its value is only sentimental.

BIIL HOOLIGAN
Oh now ain't that jes too bad. Yer a-goin' ta make me cry. Sentimantal eh? That ain't matter none - Ah'm sentimental. Now hurry up an' let me have it!

I-2-5

PRESIDENT
Yes sir!
(HE gives BILL HOOLIGAN his watch, takes out the money bags and puts them on the floor. BILL HOOLIGAN and HANK pick up the bags with HANK still pointing his gun at the people as THEY both leave. HE shouts)
Help! Sheriff! Sheriff! They jes held up the bank!

TELLER
(Shouts)
Dang it all! When ya need that confounded sheriff he ain't never around! Help! Sheriff!

PRESIDENT
(Shouts)
Help! Sheriff!

(PRESIDENT, TELLER and BANKERS all run out the door shouting for help)

"(BLACKOUT)"

"(END OF SCENE)"

Scene

Sheriff Bill Hooligan's office

Time

Spring, 1870

ACT ONE

Scene 3

SETTING:
        At stage right there is a desk with a chair behind it. In the background are jail cells. The entrance is at stage left.

AT RISE:

        PREACHER FARKEL is standing at stage left and BILL HOOLIGAN is sitting behind his desk writing.

I-3-6

PREACHER FARKEL
(To audience)
Three days later, deputy Hank Larsen made an' interestin' discovery as we will soon see. He wasn't very pleased with his a-findin's an' went as soon as possible ta sheriff Bill Hooligan's office ta report it - they were both troubled.

(HANK enters after PREACHER FARKEL exits stage left)

BILL HOOLIGAN
Well...mah deputy Hank Larsen, what's the latest?

HANK
Ah'll tell ya what's the latest, sheriff Bill Hooligan. They say someone is a-comin' inta town who will rise ta power in government an' throw ya out of office as sheriff an' mahsef' as deputy. This critter has showed folks supernatural powers. They say he fed five thousand folks on five boxes of crackers an' two cans of tuna fish. His name is Bobby Joe.

HANK
An' if that ain't bad enough, thar's some preacher out in the desert by the name of preacher Farkel' that's a-tryin' ta make trouble fur us.

BILL HOOLIGAN
Ah think Ah knowed who ya mean. He's that dang preacher that's been a-wearin' the same ol' moth eaten black outfit everyday fur over thirty years an' eats a-nothin' but grasshoppers an' wild honey.

HANK
That’s the preacher all right. He’s a-tellin’ folks that this here Bobby Joe is a-comin’ ta save folks from damnnation. He said, “Bobby Joe will rise ta power an’ seek out the outlaws an' punish them.”

I-3-7

BILL HOOLIGAN
Hank!
(Pounds on desk)
This will mean trouble fur us, shore as a-shootin’. If they should ever find out that we’re the two masked outlaws that robbed the Temple Treasury Bank here in town, and hid the money in the Lost Fortune Cave, they’ll barbecue us both.

HANK
This Bobby Joe has the power ta knowed this.

BILL HOOLIGAN
Mah wife Ida Mae ain’t even knowed. If she did she’d take a stove iron ta mah dang head.

HANK
If mah wife ever found out she’d bust mah jaw with one good swing. She once knocked me flat on the floor. It’s a good thing we disguised our voices too.

BILL HOOLIGAN
We must get rid of this Bobby Joe.

HANK
After we get rid of him we’ll dig up that bank robbery money an’ live the easy life.

BILL HOOLIGAN
But first we must think of somethin’ ta get rid of this Bobby Joe. Permanently!

HANK
But what?

BILL HOOLIGAN
(HE rubs his chin pacing back and forth)
Hmm
(Sings)
    SOMETHIN’ MUST BE DONE ABOUT THIS BOBBY JOE
    OH YES
    FOR HE IS NUMBER ONE
    SOMETHIN’ MUST BE DONE ABOUT THIS BOBBY JOE
    DON’T RUN
    HE’S A SON OF A GUN
    (BILL HOOLIGAN and HANK sing)
    DANG

I-3-8

BILL HOOLIGAN
(Sings)
    SOMETHIN’ MUST BE DONE
    ABOUT THIS BOBBY JOE
    LET’S GO
    FIGHTIN’ HAS JES BEGUN
    SO LOOK OUT JOE
    WE WON’T STOP TILL YA DO DROP

    HANK
    (Sings)
    WE WON’T TRAP HIM IN A SNAP
    HE’S TOO SMART FUR THE BOTH OF US
    ALL HIS FRIENDS ARE TOO NUMEROUS

    BILL HOOLIGAN and HANK
    (sing)
    DANG
    HANK
    (Sings)
    WE MUST PLAY IT CALM
    AN’ DON’T GIVE UP TILL WE HAVE WON
    WE WILL HAVE US SOME FUN
    WHEN HE’S NOT NUMBER ONE
    BILL HOOLIGAN
    (Sings)
    HOLY LEAPIN’ LIZARDS
    AH CAN’T WAIT TA SET THE BAIT
    SET THE DATE
    AN’ AH’LL SLAM THE GATE
    ON THE JAIL
    AN’ HE WON’T FEEL GREAT

    (BILL HOOLIGAN and HANK)
    (sing)

    GOOD

    BILL HOOLIGAN
    (Sings)

    HOLY LEAPIN’ LIZARDS
    WE ARE MEAN AN’ RUGGED TOO
    WHEN WE’RE ALL THROUGH WITH HIM
    IT WON’T BE OVER DUE

    BILL HOOLIGAN and HANK
    (sing)
    GOOD
I-3-9

HANK
After we get rid of Bobby Joe we’ll leave our wives behind, skip town, an’ see the world.

BILL HOOLIGAN
(Sings)
    WE’LL GO TA PARIS FRANCE
    WE’LL SEE THE CAN CAN DANCE
    WE’LL WINE AN’ DINE WITH WOMEN OH SO FINE
    WE’LL LIVE A LIFE OF FUN THAT’S JES BEGUN
    OH YES AN’
    WE’LL GO TA ISTANBUL
    WE’LL LIVE A LIFE THAT’S FULL
    WE’LL LIVE THE HIGH LIFE
    WITH NO NAGGIN’ WIFE
    TA DRIVE US BOTH TA DRINK
    SO WE CAN’T THINK

    HANK
    (Sings)
    OH YES AN’
    WE’LL GO TA ITALY
    SIMPLE AS ABC

    BILL HOOLIGAN & HANK
    (Sings)
    WE’LL WINE AN’ DINE WITH WOMEN OH SO FINE
    WE’LL LIVE A LIFE OF FUN THAT’S JES BEGUN

    HANK
    (Sings)
    OH YES AN’
    WE’LL GO TA LONDON TOWN
    WE’LL SEE THE QUEEN AN’ CROWN

    BILL HOOLIGAN & HANK
    (Sings)
    WE’LL LIVE THE HIGH LIFE
    WITH NO NAGGIN’ WIFE
    TA DRIVE US BOTH TA DRINK
    YEAH

“(BLACKOUT)”

“(END OF SCENE)”

I-4-10

Scene

Meetinghouse in River Belle Junction

Time

Spring, 1870

ACT ONE

Scene 4

SETTING:

        There are no signs of Christianity. The middle of the meetinghouse has an aisle with long wooden benches furnished on both sides. The benches are semi facing the aisle. The windows are tall and beautifully colored with stained glass. As light shines through the windows it casts a variety of colored light into the meetinghouse.

AT RISE:

        The stage is still in a blackout. There is a spotlight shining on PREACHER FARKEL who is standing stage left.

PREACHER FARKEL
(To audience)
About a week later thar was a big “Back ta the Bible” meetin’ at the meetin’house. Jes about everyone in town was thar.
(HE exits stage left)

CONGREGATION
(Enters from all directions singing and dancing. As music starts shouts of “Yippee”, “Ya Hooo” and “Oooooeeeee” are heard)
(Sing)
    COME SING A NEW SONG UNTO THE LORD
    COME BLEND YER VOICES TA EVERY CHORD
    FUR HE ALONE CALLS THE STARS BY NAME
    HIS GREATNESS WE ALL PROCLAIM

    COME SING A NEW HOW AH LOVE YA LORD
    WHEN WE BEGIN THE LORD’S BRIGHT NEW DAY


I-4-11 (Congregation sings con't)

    FUR WHEN YA SING YA WON’T FEEL SO GRAY
    YES MUSIC IS HERE TA STAY
    (Refrain)
    SING OUT WITH HEARTS OF JOY THROUGH THE LAND
    SING OUT TA HIM WITH A BIG BRASS BAND
    WITH EACH NEW STEP LET’S ALL SING ALONG
    GOD LOVES TA HEAR A NEW SONG

    COME PLAY THE TRUMPET AN’ GUITAR TOO
    THE BAND WILL PLAY WITH A ROOTIE TOOT TOOT
    COME BLEND YOUR VOICES TA EVERY CHORD
    YES VOICES UNTA THE LORD

    COME SING A SONG WITH THE WORDS OF FAITH
    COME SING A SONG WITH THE WORDS OF HOPE
    AN’ CHARITY FUR OUR FELLOW MAN
    WE MUST BE GOOD IF WE CAN

(As music ends, shouts of “Yippee”, “Ya Hooo” and “Oooooeeeee” are heard)
PREACHER FARKEL
(HE comes down from in back of the theatre shooting into the air with a hunting refle. Shouts)
Repent! Repent! Ya young, low-down, no-good fur a-nothin’ whipper a-snappin’ coyotes. Fur the kingdom of heaven is close at hand. Make ready the way of the lord. Clear him a straight path. Every valley shall be filled. An’ every mountain an’ hill shall be leveled. The a-windin’s shall be made straight an’ the rough ways smooth, an’ all mankind shall see the salvation of God.
(HE points to the HYPOCRITES)
Ya outlaws! Side a-windin’ hypocrites! What’cha doin” here in church? Who secretly warned ya ta escape from God’s punishment? Ain’t nobody a-goin’ ta flee from that ol’punishment, man. No sir’e Bob, nobody! Give some evedence that ya mean ta stop a-sinin’. Don’t begin by sayin’ ta yer sefs. God is our paw. Ah tell ya God can raise up children from stones. Even now the ax is laid ta the root of the ol’ tree. Every tree that ain’t fruitful will be cut down an’ thowed inta the far.
(HE puts a hand on IDA MAE’S shoul- der and with the other, HE points to a grandfather clock)
Sister, do ya hear the solemn a-tickin’ of that ol’ clock? Tick-tock; tick-tock. An’ oh, friend, do ya knowed what day it brings nearer?

I-4-12

IDA MAE
(With excitement)
Yeah - pay day!

PREACHER FARKEL
(Furiously)
Dang blasted! Now yawl knowed why thar ain’t no revival. Folks always got money on thar brain, the root of all evil! Some folks here can get inta a pot of a-boilin’ water quicker than a soup chicken.

IDA MAE
What’cha expect us ta do about it?

PREACHER FARKEL
Don’t be me deep in conversation. The critter who got plenty of grub should give ta them who ain’t got none. Let’s give freely an’ generously - as reported ta the Internal Revenue Service.

IDA MAE
Them tax fellers must shore love pore folks - thar shore a-creatin’ so many of them.

JAMIE
(Stands)
Preacher, what are we to do?
(Sits)

PREACHER FARKEL
(Pointing to SROREKEEPERS)
Ya, storekeepers, don't cha overcharge yer customers. Don't be the kind of feller who starts the bull a-rollin'.

MARTHA
What about me?

PREACHER FARKEL
Don't cha bully anyone. Accuse no one falsely. Be content with yer pay. Repent! Repent! Tell it all, brothers, tell it all!

PETER
(HE goes up to PREACHER FARKEL)
Preacher, Ah'm a bone-deep sinner. Ah been a-drinkin' fur nigh on ta thirty years an' when Ah get sauced up Ah been knowed ta beat around some on mah lovin' wife, even though she nearly busted mah dang head with a skillet.

I-4-13

PREACHER FARKEL
(Shouts with joy)
Hallelujah! Tell it all, brother, tell it all!

PETER
Well, thar's been times when Ah was out an' saw a pretty young thin' an' jes couldn't resist the urge ta gather her up an' spend the night with her.

`

PREACHER FARKEL
(Shouts with joy)
Tell it all, brother, tell it all! Hallelujah!
PETER
Preacher, once Ah even got so low that Ah went ta bed with mah horse.

(CONGREGATION: OOOOOOOOooooooooooooo's)
PREACHER FARKEL
Ooh, Ah don't believe Ah'd a told that.

(HOLLIGAN & HANK enters stage left)

MARTHA
(Shouts)
Oh, no! Here comes those tyrants, Sheriff Wild Bill Hooligan an' his deputy Hank!

BILL HOOLIGAN
(Shouts)
Was the horse cute?

PREACHER FARKEL
Sheriff Hooligan, what can Ah do fur ya?

BILL HOOLIGAN
Well preacher, Ah a...Ah heard ya was in town Ah thought Ah'd stop by an' wish ya a fine howdy do. An' a...would it be allright if Ah asked ya a few questions?

PREACHER FARKEL
By all means.

I-4-14

BILL HOOLIGAN
Well Ah'm a-wonderin' preacher
(HE takes the hat off of PREACHER FARKEL and flings it)
a...who are ya? Ah mean...you a...God?
(HE pushes PREACHER FARKEL in the chest so that HE falls to the floor)

PREACHER FARKEL
No, Ah ain't.

BILL HOOLIGAN
(Shouts at PREACHER FARKEL in a loud and grumpy manner)
Well, who the Sam Hill are ya anyway?

PREACHER FARKEL
Ah was born an' raised in the wilderness of West Virgin'e an' folks west of the Mississippi call me Preacher Farkel.

BILL HOOLIGAN
Well, if ya ain't God, an' ya ain't the prophet, why is it ya have the right ta baptize?

PREACHER FARKEL
Ah baptize only with water, but thar's a critter who's a-comin' inta town on the noon stage who's mightier than Ah. Ah ain't fit ta loosen his spurs. He'll baptize with the Holy Spirit an' in far. He'll separate the good from the outlaws, an' he'll place the good in his storehouse, an' the outlaws he'll burn in unquenchable far.

BILL HOOLIGAN
(As HE exits stage left)
Ah ain't never heard of such nonsence. Come on Hank! Let's get before he drives us plum loco!
(Both exit stage left)

PREACHER FARKEL
(Shouts excitedly)
Reform yer lives! Fur the reign of God is at hand. Prepare the way of the lord, make straight his paths!
(Sings)
    REFORM, YES REFORM YER LIVES
    OR LOOK OUT WHEN THE LORD ARRIVES
    DON'T CHA BE IN A RUT
    GIVE ME NO SCUTTLEBUTT
    MAKE THE LORD'S NEW LIGHT A GRAND WELCOME SIGHT

    I-4-15

    (Congregation sings and dances)
    REFORM, YES REFORM YER LIVES
    OR LOOK OUT WHEN THE LORD
    ARRIVES DON'T CHA BE IN A RUT
    GIVE ME NO SCUTTLEBUTT
    LIVE YER LIFE WITH THE LORD

    COME TO THE RIVER OF LIFE
    COME GIVE UP THE STRIFE
    WITH YOU AND YOUR WIFE
    HIS WAYS ARE STRAIGHT YA'LL SEE
    IT'S NO LUNACY
    JUMP WITH GLEE IT'S ALL FREE

    REFORM, YES REFORM YER LIVES
    OR LOOK OUT WHEN THE LORD ARRIVES
    DON'T CHA BE IN A RUT
    GIVE ME NO SCUTTLEBUTT
    MAKE THE LORDS NEW LIGHT A GRAND WELCOME SIGHT

    REFORM, YES REFORM YER LIVES
    OR LOOK OUT WHEN THE LORD ARRIVES
    DON'T CHA BE IN A RUT
    GIVE ME NO SCUTTLEBUTT
    LIVE YER LIFE WITH THE LORD
    YEAH LIVE YER LIFE WITH THE
    LIVE YER LIFE WITH THE
    LIVE YER LIFE WITH THE LORD

PREACHER FARKEL
In the beginnin'
(Everyone sits simultaneously except PREACHER FARKEL)
of the world, Adam was born.

LI'L AZEL
(Shouts)
Was he born in the mornin'?

PREACHER FARKEL
No, a little before Eve. A rib was taken from his side while he was a-sleepin', an' that was Eve.

I-4-16

LI’L AZEL
(Shouts)
Didn't he need the rib?

PREACHER FARKEL
No! It was a spare rib.

LI'L AZEL
(Starts to cry)
Ah've got a pain in mah side. Oh, Preacher Farkel, Ah think Ah'm a-goin' ta have me a wife.

PREACHER FARKEL
Oh, Ida Mae,
(HE goes up to IDA MAE and LI’L AZEL)
Ah must say, Ah have never seen a child that has behaved so well at baptizin’ like yer child!

IDA MAE
Well, ya see, it’s because mah husband an’ Ah have been a-practicin’ on him with a waterin’ can fur a whole week!

PREACHER FARKEL
Well bless yer little ol’ pea a-pickin’ heart!
(Speaks to LI’L AZEL)
Do ya knowed where little boys an’ girls go when they do bad things Li’l Azel?

LI’L AZEL
Shore - in back of the churchyard.

IDA MAE
(Hits LI’L AZEL with her hand bag)
Ya behave now li’l Azel or Ah’ll clobber ya again real good right here an’ now. Hear?

LI’L AZEL
Yes, ma.

IDA MAE
Ain’t cha pay no mind ta him preacher.

MARTHA
John the Baptist, the Bible tells us that Adam had it made. Well Ah believe he had troubles.

PREACHER FARKEL
Adam may have had his troubles - - but he never had ta listen ta Eve talk about the other men she could have married.

I-4-17

PETER
Ah say take yer troubles like a man - - blame them on your wife.

IDA MAE
Preacher Farkel, what do ya think of the chaplain of the senate?

PREACHER FARKEL
The chaplain of the senate does not pray fur the senate. he watches the senate an’ prays fur the country.

JAMIE
Preacher Farkel, will ya please tell me in actual miles Dan is from Beersheba? All mah life Ah have heard the familiar phrase ‘from Dan ta Beersheba’ but Ah ain’t never knowed the distance.
    (Before SHE receives an answer, BILLY JACK asks a question)
BILLY JACK
Do Ah understand that Dan an’ Beersheba are the names of places?

PREACHER FARKEL
Yes.

BILLY JACK
That’s one on me. Ah always thought they were husband an’ wife, like Sodom an’ Gomorrah.

PREACHER FARKEL
(HE shouts with excitement as BOBBY JOE enters from in back of the AUDIENCE)
Well Ah’ll be a red headed raccoon!
(Pointing)
Looky!
(EVERYONE turns around to look)
Thar’s the critter Ah said will save us from the devil!

    (As music starts, FOLLOWERS sing and dance as BOBBY starts to shake hands. With a canteen, PREACHER FARKEL pours water on a fancy red handkerchief and starts to baptize PEOPLE in line, beginning with BOBBY. HE wipes their hands and face and pours water on their heads. HE also squeezes water from the wet handkerchief on their heads. BOBBY does the same to PREACHER FARKEL)
I-4-18

IDA MAE
(Sings)
    FILL US WITH YER SPIRIT LORD
    THIS BRIGHT AND SUNNY MORN
    YOU,VE COME DOWN FROM UP ABOVE
    DON’T LEAVE US IN OUR SCORN
    FILL OUR SOULS WITH LOVIN’ GRACE
    IN HEAVEN YER THE ACE
    SEND YER SPIRIT LORD
    SEND YER SPIRIT ON US
    AN’ LORD PLEASE

    (CHORUS)
    EVERYONE
    (Sings. Repeat last time)
    POUR IT ON
    AN’ LORD PLEASE
    POUR IT ON
    AN’ LORD PLEASE
    POUR IT ON
    AN’ LORD PLEASE
    POUR IT ON
    (Last time -- ‘YEAH!’)

    IDA MAE
    (Sings)
    YOUR THE PRINCE
    THE PRINCE OF PEACE
    WE LOVED YA EVER SINCE
    YOUR THE KING
    THE KING OF KINGS
    TO YOU OUR LOVE WE BRING
    YOU KNOW ALL THE STARS ABOVE
    WE GIVE YA ALL OUR LOVE
    SEND YER SPIRIT LORD
    SEND YER SPIRIT ON US
    I-4-19

    AN’ LORD PLEASE

    (To chorus)
    PRAISE HIM FOR THE MORNIN’ SUN
    AN’ PRAISE HIM FOR THE FUN
    PRAISE HIM FOR THE BIRDS THAT SING
    SWEET MUSIC THEY ALL BRING

    PRAISE HIM FOR THE MOUNTAINS HIGH
    THAT REACH UP TO THE SKY
    SEND YER SPIRIT LORD
    SEND YER SPIRIT ON US
    AN’ LORD PLEASE

    (To chorus)
    PRAISE HIM WITH THE TAMBOURINE
    AN’ PRAISE HIM WITH THE DRUMS
    PRAISE HIM WITH A SYMPHONY
    IN PERFECT HARMONY

    HAVE NO FEAR
    THE LORD IS HERE
    THE JUDGEMENT DAY IS NEAR
    SEND YER SPIRIT LORD
    SEND YER SPIRIT ON US
    AN’ LORD PLEASE

    (To chorus)

BOBBY
Humor is a divine quality, an’ God has the greatest sense of humor of all, other - wise he wouldn’t have made so many politicians

CONGREGATION
Amen!

LI’L AZEL
Bobby, do ya really think thar is a devil?

BOBBY
Of course thar is Li’l Azel.

I-4-20

LI’L AZEL
It’ll probable turn out ta be mah paw like Santa Claus.

    (SATAN enters from in back of AUDIENCE and CHURCH CONGREGATION starts to disperse)

SATAN
(Shouts)
Fill Bobby Joe with your spirit lord, he’s going to need it.
(Sinister laugh)

IDA MAE
(Shouts nervously)
Here comes trouble, Ah’m a-gettin’ the heck out of here.

LI’L AZEL
(Shouts boldly)
Whew! He’s so ugly he’d make a freight train take a dirt road! When time marched on, it must have stepped on his face.

BILLY JACK
(Shouts boldly)
He shore is flat out coyote ugly! When he was born, his paw went down ta the zoo an’ threw rocks at the stork.

“(BLACKOUT)”

“(END OF SCENE)”

    (Background music. While scene is being changed, SATAN goes into the audience roaring and hissing at them. HE is wearing a red devil outfit. with a cape and horns on his head. HE has a red pitchfork in one hand)
I-5-21

Scene

The desert outside of town

Time

Summer, 1870

ACT ONE

Scene 5

SETTING:

    We are in a rocky type desert with many cactus and beautiful flowers. There is a colorful sunrise. This scene is very picturesque.

AT RISE:

    BOBBY JOE is sitting on a rock playing his guitar. SATAN is spying on BOBBY JOE from behind a cactus.

SATAN
    (Speaks to BOBBY from behind a cactus in a creepy tone of voice)
Bobby, oh, Bobby. Bobby Joe! Guess who’s here? Now listen to me!
    (HE comes out from behind the cactus)
You an’ Ah both knowed ya came from yer paw in heaven, right? An’ we both knowed yer so hungry ya could eat a horse an’ it a-run-nin’, right? So, why don’t cha jes prove it ta folks that ya came from yer paw in heaven, an’ satisfy yer hunger by a-turnin’ these stones ta dumplings? Ya could turn the smaller ones inta biscuits or maybe even little devil’s food cakes.
    (Sinister laugh)
Bobby Joe, listen ta me. Bobby Joe, listen ta me. Obey me. Obey me.
    (Sings - as HE sings, HE pokes BOBBY in the chest with his finger, pushing HIM around backwards in a circle)
    BOBBY YA BEEN HERE
    FUR FORTY DAYS AN’ FORTY NIGHTS
    SURELY YOU KNOW THE END IS SO NEAR
    WITHOUT BREAD TO EAT

    IF YOU ARE GOD’S SON
    YA’LL TAKE THIS STONE AN’ YOU WILL MAKE IT INTA CAKE
    AN’ BAKE IT DON’T BE A FAKE
    YA WON’T GET A GREAT BIG TUMMY ACHE


I-5-23

BOBBY
    (Sings - as HE sings, HE pokes SATAN in the chest with his finger, pushing HIM around backwards in a circle)
    HOW DARE YA TEMPT ME THE SON OF GOD
    AH’LL CHARGE YA WITH CONTEMPT
    AH HAVE THE POWER AN’ THE GLORY
    YOU GOT THE FURNACE AN’ IT’S REAL GORY

    HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YA TRIED A FIT?
    BUT YA WOULD NOT ADMIT
    AH GOT THE POWER AN’ THE GLORY
    YA GOT THE FURNACE AN’ IT’S REAL GORY

    SCRIPTURE HAS IT THAT YOU WILL FLUNK
    ALL YER SCHEMING WILL STINK LIKE SKUNK
    THEN WITH A BIG KERPLUNK
    YOU WILL BE DRIVEN FROM MY KINGDOM
    YOU WON ‘T EVER BE FANCY-FREE
    ALL OF WHICH AH CAN GUARANTEE
    THEN WITH A FEAR SO RARE
    YA’LL GET TA LAND ON YER REAR

    SATAN
    (Sings - BOBBY and SATAN dance)
    FLING YER’SEF DOWN
    WHEN YA GET TA TOWN
    DON’T CHA WEAR A FROWN CLOWN
    YOU WON’T BREAK YER CROWN
    IT IS WRITTEN IN THE BOOK OF GOD
    ANGELS WILL PROTECT YOU
    BOY YER SURE ODD

    BOBBY
    (Sings)
    BUT THIS AH TELL YA SMARTY
    IT IS WRITTEN IN THE BOOK OF GOD
    YOU ARE NOT TA TEST YER GOD SO FOOLISHLY
    HE’S THE MASTER
    OF HUMANITY
    GEE YA’D BETTER FLEE LIKE A BIG BUMBLEBEE

I-5-23

SATAN
(HE speaks to BOBBY in a creepy manner)
Bobby, won’t ya listen ta me? Fur the last time Bobby, obey me!

BOBBY
(With expression)
Away with ya Satan! Away with ya! Go inta your eternal kingdom where thar is a-sufferin’ a-everlasting.

SATAN
Well Ah shore as hell tried! But Ah’ll be back again. All Ah got ta do is get ya inta politics man an’ Ah got it made. An’ Ah mean made man, oooooeeeee!

BOBBY
(Shouts with anger)
Satan, yer as slippery as a hog on ice. Ya boss them folks who have worldly power, authorty an’ glory but shore as a-shootin’ ya ain’t a-gonna boss me around! It’s ‘cause of ya Satan that this world is full of corrupt folks. Evil is everywhar. Folks can never seem ta learn how ta live in peace.
(Sings with deep heart felt feeling)
    IF PEOPLE WOULD LEARN TO LIVE PEACEFULLY
    ON EARTH WHEN WITH OTHERS
    THEY’D BE NEIGHBORLY
    THEY’D GIVE TO EACH OTHER
    WITH LOVE HAPPILY
    HOW WONDERFUL THIS WORLD WOULD BE
    THE BIRDS IN THE TREES
    WOULD SING OUT IN THE BREEZE
    A BEAUTIFUL MELODY
    FOR YOU AND ME
    EACH DAY WOULD GO BY
    WITHOUT FEAR YOU WOULD SEE
    HOW WONDERFUL THIS WORLD WOULD BE

    THEY KNOW THEY CAN’T GO ON
    THE WAY THAT THEY LIVE
    SO WHY CAN’T THEY START TO FORGET AND FORGIVE?
    EACH DAY WOULD BRING SUNSHINE
    FROM HEAVEN ABOVE
    A FEELING DIVINE IT’S JUST SUPERFINE
I-5-24

BOBBY (continued)
(Sings)
    IF PEOPLE WOULD LEARN TO LIVE PEACEFULLY
    ON EARTH WHEN WITH OTHERS
    THEY’D BE NEIGHBORLY
    THEY’D GIVE TO EACH OTHER
    WITH LOVE HAPPILY
    HOW WONDERFUL THIS WORLD WOULD BE
    THE BIRDS IN THE TREES
    WOULD SING OUT IN THE BREEZE
    A BEAUTIFUL MELODY
    FOR YOU AND ME
    EACH DAY WOULD GO BY
    WITHOUT FEAR YOU WOULD SEE
    HOW WONDERFUL THIS WORLD BE
    HOW WONDERFUL THIS WORLD BE
      (BOBBY’S FRIENDS begin to enter. As their names are called by PREACHER FARKEL each one runs out to BOBBY showing great happiness. Some yell “Ya-hooo”, “Yippee” and “Ooooo-eeee”. THEY hug each other spinning around with a big smile. Some shake his hand. THEY huddle in a circle)

PREACHER FARKEL
(To audience)
It took Bobby Joe two days ta choose his friends. Thar was Billy Jack Mahoney, Martha Allawishes, Jamie Magdalene, Ida Mae Hooligan, Li’l Azel Hooligan an’ Peter Jones

“(BLACKOUT)”

“(END OF SCENE)”

I-6-25

      (Scene change MUSIC starts. A LADY ACTRESS sitting in the audience gets held up by BILL HOOLIGAN and HANK LARSON who are both masked. As SHE screams SHE is asked to empty her purse in a sack, etc. HANK removes a pull-away skirt from her and leaves running with BILL HOOLIGAN. The LADY runs screaming to the back of the theatre)

LADY IN AUDIENCE
(As SHE leaves screaming in her panties)
Help! Help! Sheriff, Ah’ve been robbed, Ah’ve been robbed by them dang blasted outlaws. Help! Sheriff!

    Scene

The Red Garter Saloon and Dance Hall

    Time

Summer, 1870

    ACT ONE

    Scene 6

SETTING:

    This saloon is very elegant. Dominated with red and gold, there is a luxurious and sparkling chandelier hanging center stage. At stage right there is a stair way leading up to a balcony and at stage left there is a bar. All entrances and exits are made through the swinging doors at the back of the set which represents the front of the saloon.
AT RISE:
      PREACHER FARKEL is standing at stage left.

PREACHER FARKEL
(Speaks to audience)
On the third day thar was a weddin’ in town, at the Red Garter Saloon an’ Dance Hall, an’ the mother of Bobby was thar. Bobby an’ his friends had like-wise been invited. It was Saturday night an’ the newlyweds had jes left fur thar honeymoon.
(HE sits at a table)

      (The GUESTS dance then return to their tables. Bobby is at the bar)

I-6-26

IDA MAE
(Shouts with anger)
What’s with the service in this joint? Look at mah glass - it’s empty - what do Ah have ta do ta get some water? For crying out loud!

WAITER
(Sarcastically)
Why don’t ya set fire ta yersef?

IDA MAE
Well, Ah ain’t never been so insulted in all mah life.

JAMIE
(Shouts)
Hey Bobby! They ain’t got no more beer.

BOBBY
Woman, how does this concern of yers involve me? Mah hour ain’t come yet.

JAMIE
(Instructs the WAITER)
Do whatever he tells you.

BOBBY
(To WAITER)
Bring that pitcher of milk ta me.
      (HE pours a pitcher containing white vineger and white food coloring into a pitcher containing yellow food coloring and bicarbonate of soda. HE then stirs it to make the liquid look like foaming beer when HE pours it into a mug.)

WAITER
(HE tastes the milk made beer and shouts in amazement)
O lord, what a cow! Well shiver me timbers! It’s a miracle! Bobby Joe turned the milk ta beer!

CROWD
(Astounded)
Wow! It’s a miracle! Yeah! It’s a miracle! Bobby turned the milk ta beer!

TO CONTINUED SCRIPT



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